Warm thoughts before bed….

Sometimes, I just wanna shout from the mountaintops about this amazing thing that’s happening. But I’ll just be cool.
For now.
It’s just really hard because I’m for real black girl blushing right now lol.

Ahem. Let’s be grown ups now.
Everyone should have people in their lives who challenge them to be great. They should love and support you where you are but also push towards the bigger picture. I have that in my life. Sometimes, I hate it because complacency is easy. I’m so grateful.

There’s no real meaning to the picture attached to this blog, I just love how beautiful my skin looks when it’s blue-black ♡

full heart, hollow womb

So, I came across this image on FB the other day and it instantly brought tears of anger to my eyes (for those of you who know I’m a cry baby, don’t worry, I didn’t let them fall). Seriously, this is a heartbreaking cartoon.

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I….am…..speechless b/c I know this is true and know that it happens. I am such an advocate for acknowledging and respecting children’s autonomy and protecting their little bodies and fragile psyche…I cannot, for the life of me, understand violating such a pure spirit AT ALL and especially in such a vile, disgusting way.

This is one of the reasons why I absolutely cannot have children. When I tell people that I don’t want kids, they’re automatically appalled and try to convince me otherwise and launch into this sales pitch about how amazing kids are and how rewarding it is to raise them. I KNOW. I’m just terrified that I won’t be able to protect them. So I don’t want them. That I’ll ruin them or someone else will. I’m so anxious about their hearts and minds and spirits and I just can’t do it. I know I’m fun and full of so much love and maybe even some wisdom to share, but I can’t. I worry too much as it is, and now I’m supposed to worry about the physical/mental/emotional/mental well-being of a tiny human? How is that NOT terrifying?

And let’s talk about how it’s becoming more and more difficult to trust who you can and cannot leave your kids around. Child molesters, sexual predators, rapists, murderers, etc….they don’t walk around holding a sign announcing their presence. They’re in our families, y’all. And we allow them to stay and violate our children for years. We make our children hug their rapists, completely ignoring the fact that they’re ridiculously uncomfortable with their “uncle” or whoever. Would rather protect a closeted predator from embarrassment, speculation, and being buried under the jail than accept the fact that another family member is gay. Doesn’t that just make your ass itch? We can’t even trust our own family with our children.

Knowing this, I’m always more than honored when a friend of mine chooses to extend an invitation to me for their village and to be a part of their child’s life. I love being Auntie Jo…I adore my little nieces and nephews. LOVE….THEM. My [pseudo] sister, Sherri, is giving birth to a little boy in May and I’m bouncing off the walls with excitement. I can’t wait to head back up to their city to hold little Xavier and let’s not forget playing with my super smart niece Olivia. 2 of my good friends have privately announced their pregnancies to me and I’m ecstatic. I love love love children, I just can’t see myself ever having them. For the reasons stated above as well as reasons attached to my vanity. I am happily forever Auntie and never Mommy.

I hope this all made sense. Be easy ♡

I try to write and I wind up coloring instead…

Ok, so I’ve already broken my promise to post more regularly than I did during my previous failed attempt at blogging, but I’m trying. Pretty soon, I won’t even need to add these pitiful disclaimers and apologies to the beginning of my posts b/c I…a) have improved b) won’t care. Hmmm.

I did a lot of thinking this weekend and have decided that I maybe think and question things too much instead of just letting them be and actually savoring the moment, as opposed to just going with the moment. Everything I do is just go go go….slow down!! It’s a character trait that I’ve embraced for years and I’m just now starting to see the cons. It’s a little jarring. I’m just used to processing new information quickly and then using it to accomplish something. I just go. I don’t breathe. I just do. I go after what I want. I get what I want. And I’m like…this oddly perfect example of the type of people our society is churning out and I hate it. This microwave society. I’m like instant mac n’ cheese. Maybe “moving with a sense of urgency” isn’t so great, especially if there’s no balance. Why do I have to do everything so quickly? Why do I feel that I need instant results? I used to be so into the journey and now I’m just obsessed with the destination…Why?

I just had that moment at the end of an amazing weekend. Not that I ruined anything, but I was instantly like…why did I just do that? Why can’t I just chill? Why am I like this? Especially when I stumbled through asking this question that really could’ve just stayed in my head. Like…I couldn’t figure out a way to basically ask for “more” even though I really should’ve just been content with what I was getting. As soon as the first word left my mouth, my brain was like “Please stop…don’t do this…please” but I forged on. Instant regret. And of course, I didn’t like the answer I received because it felt like rejection even though it wasn’t…and look, I’m just awkward ok? I can’t even relay this silly moment from this weekend in text. You get the point, I got the point, let’s move on.

Until next time…ugh.

To FreeOpenDiary and beyond!

So, hi…anyone remember the LiveJournal and OpenDiary era? Yeah, that was the last time I had a serious blog. I remember that my username was Xalvadora, which is a Spanish girl’s name meaning “Savior”. Back when I thought my writing could save the world, ya know? And I was really into it too…me and a bunch of my friends churning out all of these pseudo deep entries riddled with teenage angst, etc. It was epic. Other than that, I had a few entries on Myspace, blogger/blogspot, and I dabbled with Facebook’s “Notes” feature, but it never really took off.

But anyway, my name is Jo. I’m 28. The picture above pretty much sums up my personality. I’m a free spirit…my mom calls me her butterfly, and I can’t get enough nature and sunshine. I love to laugh and just enjoy life with all of the beautiful people that surround me. I love everything. I’m not very deep and this entry won’t be long. In fact, that’s…it….

I promise to not suck at blogging this time…I will bring you along for all of my life’s adventures and banalities!